Realization
by DreamingChild
Summary: Ryou slowly comes to some conclusions as he reflects on his feelings for his Yami. Songfic. Mature themes. One Shot. Yaoi. Please R+R!


Hi! This is my first posting here. I had "Something I Can Never Have" by NIN stuck in my head and I thought it would be perfect for a Bakura/Ryou situation. I hope this isn't too sad. Everyone seems to have other characters running around at the begining of thier stories, making comments and stuff, so I'll let my three kittys in on the conversation.  
  
Wendy: I think that you should tell them now that you don't own Yugioh or any of the characters, or the song "Something I Can Never Have" by Nine Inch Nails.  
  
Silver: Yeah! And that this story is just for fun, and obviously not for profit. (Like you could make profit off of this) *chuckles*  
  
Sammy- chan: Hey, that's really rude! She can hear everything that you're saying! Besides, I'm sure that there would be someone who would buy her work...  
  
Me: @_@; (I think I better stop letting my cats talk for me!) *runs after cats with a broom* Hope you enjoy ^_^ Oh yeah, and please review! Constructive critizism welcome.  
  
Realization  
  
~i still recall the taste of my tears.  
  
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.  
  
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.  
  
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore.~  
  
Did I scream in my sleep? I remember dreaming about darkness, the feeling of being torn into shreds by steel claws, reflections slicing through the deep black. You wouldn't know, would you? You're not beside me. I've never seen you here in the morning, sheets twisted around you like some kind of snake, damp hair sticking to your face as a testimony to the previous night. Anyway, I wouldn't expect it. You weren't really with me the night before, either. When you stole into my room, I pretended, as always, to be asleep. If I hadn't, you wouldn't have come. You've told me numerous times that you didn't want to get involved, that you just wanted my body. So you just take it. You may think that you're overpowering me, that I'm truly frightened when you take me. You mistake my pounding heart for fear... and I would never let on that it's more than just that. When you wrap your arms around me, I close my eyes, because I can't let you see the burning behind them. I'm letting you believe what you want, just so you'll touch me again. Everything I want; to touch you, taste you, scream out your name, to claw into your back, to release... it's so hard to keep everything inside, so hard to hide myself. If you had kissed me, just once touched your lips to mine, I wouldn't be able to hold back, covering you with my love, like the flowing lava that covers a mountain.  
  
~come on tell me.  
  
make this all go away  
  
you make this all go away.  
  
i'm down to just one thing.  
  
and i'm starting to scare myself.  
  
make this all go away.  
  
you make this all go way.  
  
i just want something.  
  
i just want something i can never have~  
  
When you see me later, your face betrays your pride at your victory over me. Your eyes are glass, and I can't see anything behind them. You see the sheet I'm carrying to the laundry. You know that I'm hiding the blood and sweat and fluid that paint it's canvas, but you have to ask me why I'm washing my sheets the third time this week... bastard.  
  
~you always were the one to show me how  
  
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.  
  
this is slowly taking me apart.  
  
grey would be the color if i had a heart.  
  
i just want something i can never have.~  
  
As the months go by, I crave the sex, but at the same time, I can't stand to see your face. I'm begining to feel nauseous every time I see that look. You tell me without words that you couldn't give a damn about me, that I'm not even worth the dirt under your feet. I feel bitter so often. I've gotten really good at pushing my friends away. Their questions are getting on my nerves. I find myself listening silently to their worries. When they stop to listen to me, they see the cold, seething annoyance on my face. One day, Jounouchi's friend Honda had the audacity to ask where I got that bruise on my arm. I found myself pushing him to the ground and screaming at him to get out of my face. My teachers all frown and shake thier heads. They ask, what's gotten into that boy; I never knew he had such a smart mouth. Well, I guess I just don't give a fuck anymore. What would that get me, pity? I don't need any god damned pity. Most people stay away from me now, because if they get too close, they know they'll get hurt... somehow. You're begining to push me to the edge.  
  
~in this place it seems like such a shame.  
  
though it all looks different now,  
  
i know it's still the same  
  
everywhere i look you're all i see.  
  
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.~  
  
I'm back in my room now. I'm laying on my bed, stomach down. I've painted my walls black because I was sick of cleaning the color of rusted iron off of them. Outside of the window, I see some people I know pass by. They're holding hands, the fingers of one rubbing the palms of the other. For a moment, I imagine your hand. Instead of impacting my face with a sharp sting, it slowly, gently, goes down the curve of my face, and I let a shiver escape my being. I snap out of it. I hear the two outside my home laughing. Maybe they're laughing at me. Maybe they heard my ridiculous, desparate thoughts. As they laugh, the sound echoes between the homes and cars on the street. It becomes a symphony, no, a cacophony, and following it's movements makes me dizzy. I swallow back the urge to throw up all over my bed. I mean, I just washed the sheets. I suddenly remember more of that dream I had a while ago. I saw you standing against a doorway, smirking at me, hands crossed. There was a single candle lit in my room, and I knelt in front of it. My vision was blurry...  
  
~come on tell me.  
  
make this all go away  
  
you make this all go away.  
  
i'm down to just one thing.  
  
and i'm starting to scare myself.  
  
make this all go away.  
  
you make this all go way.~  
  
I was holding something that was glinting fiercely in the firelight. I looked at you, and told you that I was here because of you, in this position because of you. You looked at me oddly, and then you just started laughing. At that moment, it was as if you'd poured a burning acid in my veins, steadily flowing till it reached my head, and took away all reason. You'd said once that I was only a vessel, like a clay pot holding a precious liquid. Now I've decided that I can't hold you anymore. Your weight is breaking me down, small cracks have been running down my sides. You're begining to drip out of me, staining my sides with blood. I look at the knife in my hands. Maybe this will bring me peace...  
  
~i just want something.  
  
i just want something i can never have  
  
i just want something i can never have  
  
think i know what you meant.  
  
that night on my bed.  
  
still picking at this scab  
  
i wish you were dead.  
  
your sweat and perry ellis.  
  
just stains on my sheets.~  
  
When I come out of my room, I feel calm. I know what I have to do. I think that you'll like this. I know you will. Consider this the only thing that I could possibly give you of any worth. One night, after you'd had your way with me, you told me that I was no better than a common whore. You're right. You hate me, you find me disgusting, but I still keep letting you take me. What I'm going to do now is for your own good. I descend the stairs and make my way into the kitchen. I have a really sharp knife there. Once I'm gone, you can find a stronger vessel, someone who won't just hold you, but will support you, his sides molding you into the shape of the man you were really meant to be... Goodbye, dark. 


End file.
